27 March 2025
I am starting to feel hopeless once again, for sure the crash from mania is finally hitting me. Thoughts of death swarm over me, draining and exhausting me. For certain, I am not living, rather I am surviving in my suffering. My shoulders and chest feel heavy and the world is more grey and dull, there is no doubt that feelings of emptiness consume my being. I am depleted of reason and life feels meaningless.
Whilst I am aware that there is an end to this depression, I however know there is not an end to this suffering. It is normal for me to feel chronic emptiness and thoughts of wanting death everyday, as far as I remember, I grew up with these little demons. Whether I am in a manic episode with my skyrocketing energy and upbeat mood, in a depressive state of low motivation and energy or in between—I will always be haunted with feelings of death and emptiness. For me, life is meaningless and despite my attempts at trying to find a meaning for my life, I can never hold onto one concrete meaning and everything tends to fall apart, steadily slipping away from my hands.
People tend to ask, “Why aren’t you happy in life? Don’t you want me to be happy?”
To which I reply, “If I had a choice to be happy or to suffer, do you really think suffering would be my choice?”
If there is a magic pill to happiness, I would for sure take it.
What is happiness really?
Now, I am starting to think perhaps I have a deranged view of happiness. Perhaps for me, I view happiness as my manic episodes, where everything is amplified, my positive emotions are bursting out of my chest, my energy is divine and out of the world and I’m unstoppable. In manic episodes, I can do anything I want and there is no such thing as a stop button when I am manic.
Once again, how can you describe stability and happiness to me? It is such a strange concept—it is similar to how can one describe colours to a blind person? How can one describe stability and happiness to one who has never experienced it?
For sure, my thoughts are parasites that are eating away at my brain.