8 June 2025

I have always dreaded my birthday and the prospect of turning one year older.

For my whole life, I have always seen birthdays as a sign that I have lived another painful year. Yet, it is strange how, when I turned 25 in May, I felt a sense of relief that I was alive for the first time. Perhaps there is a link between turning 25 and having your frontal lobe fully developed that made me somewhat stable.

I spent my entire life chasing after death.

Stuck in a toxic cycle, I was obsessed with pain, death and self-destructing, specifically inflicting more unnecessary pain on myself. As a child, I was not able to handle the amount of pain I went through and being the kid I was, I did not know any better how to cope with what was happening to me. As a result, I learned to cope by learning to enjoy the pain that was inflicted on me. My mentality was that if I was going through this immense amount of pain, I might as well enjoy it.

My first suicide attempt was when I was just ten years old.

With the negative experiences I’ve had throughout my life, I learned to internalise the pain that I went through and blamed myself for the pain that people inflicted on me. Someone would hurt me, I would, in turn, blame myself for it, which caused more pain and self-hate. If someone caused me pain, I would hurt and punish myself ten times more. As a way, it was my way of being able to handle the pain — I learned that it was easier to cope and understand what was happening to me if I blamed myself for it.

Having spent my whole life being obsessed with feeling more pain, chasing after inevitable death and drowning in self-hate, I am starting to rationalise with myself that perhaps the fact that I have survived all this pain and all my suicide attempts is because I am meant to live and flourish. Even when the day comes that I face death, I will not be filled with self-hate and immense pain. Rather, I want to die with gratitude that I have lived a life that, despite being painful, is meaningful and beautiful in many ways.

For the longest time, I only viewed myself with hatred, specifically that I am a failure and a disappointment. I saw my suicide attempts and self-destructive behaviour as a good thing because I thought I was doing everyone a favour if I was not on this Earth.

Now, I cannot even fathom trying to harm myself because I am stronger than that. Despite everything I went through, I have always been resilient and would push myself back up to be stronger than before.

I am more than my self-hate and self-destructive ways, and there is more to me and my qualities. Little did my younger self know, but I am not a parasite in everyone’s lives because I bring so much joy and meaning to a lot of people’s lives. I wish I had known sooner that I am a bundle of joy and that the only thing stopping me from achieving my full potential is my self-hate. I make people laugh, and as cheesy as it sounds, I am funny in the most unfunniest ways. My drive to make a difference is admirable, and my favourite quality about myself is that I am talented; let it be art, writing, violin, guitar, sports and even cooking, I am good at everything I attempt to do.

Despite being my own biggest enemy for the longest time, I do not regret anything, I do not regret that I used to hate myself, for a life of regret is a life of pain, pity and hatred. I view my old self-destructive ways as a learning curve. Having bipolar disorder, I know now that the key to staying stable I must have a good routine and good sleep, so far it has been helping.

I spent my entire life chasing after death and inflicting an immense amount of emotional and physical pain on myself — yet, I am still here, standing strong. All of this is a sign that I am meant to live long, not die young.

Perhaps in the future I might fall back into my old self-destructive ways, but it does not matter now. For the first time, I am enjoying being alive and seeing myself in a positive light.

I love self-love and being stable, I want to cherish this moment.

Therapy is finally working, huh? Maybe, I do have hope after all…