A Collection of Dramatic (Manic-Depressive) Moments
(HYPO)MANIC EPISODES
Depressive episodes
- Love Yourself First Before Loving Others
- Another Dramatic Depressive Episode
- A Dramatically Depressive February
the states iN between
ABOUT NABILA AYU AVIANI
Despite being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I refuse to label myself as bipolar and instead, give this ‘thing’ a space to rest in my heart. Struggling with a chemical imbalance in my brain made me drawn to humanity’s imperfections, such as the raw and absurd moments we rarely articulate.
This site is my visual diary entries, they are
reflections of love, loss, nostalgia and closure.
PORTFOLIO
Hypomanic, again?
Perhaps I should have also known I am hypomanic when I made hundreds of sushi rolls and decided not to eat any of it.4 April 2025
Compared to the times I wake up regularly, I woke up relatively early today, feeling somewhat content and energised. From the outside, it seemed like a normal day. I hung out with my friends at a café, dyed my hair a pretty pink and later in the evening, I made sushi with my best friend, brother and husband. I felt nothing out of the ordinary. I felt confident, a bit too confident. I spent too much time looking at myself in the mirror today. I also had a photoshoot and did my makeup with my usual heavy eyeliner. Nothing strange. However, when dusk rolled around, my heart started to beat faster, and I should have known this was a telltale sign. The beat of time started going too fast but also, in another way, too slow. My vision became sharper, colours growing vibrant and saturated, and water tasted like sugar. The world around me started to spin, and my thoughts started to race. Yet, I still felt nothing out of the ordinary.
“Are you hypomanic again?” asked my husband, who noticed I was distracted once again.
Hyperfixated on the curation of my Instagram feed, I exhaled on my cigarette whilst a loud, sped-up song was playing in the background. “No,” I replied promptly. “Why would I be hypomanic?”
It did not occur to me that I could be hypomanic again. I had not come to the realisation that I was hypomanic because a week prior, I was in the dirt of depression, to the point I had an attempt and was hospitalised for it. While I did feel good the whole day, I thought it was nothing strange; in my head, I thought it was me getting out of depression and into stability. I should have known myself and the nature of my bipolar disorder better – that stability is a rare thing and that my bipolar being rapid cycling meant that I jump in and out of bipolar episodes faster than the norm.
I was hypomanic – I am hypomanic. I should have known when I slept so little but had so much energy for the day, but I was so in tune and distracted by my racing thoughts that I did not notice. I should have known I am hypomanic when I impulsively decided to dye my hair a vibrant pink or when I decided to go a bit more extra with my make up and have a photoshoot. Perhaps I should have also known I am hypomanic when I made hundreds of sushi rolls and decided not to eat any of it or when I changed my outfits ten times and just because I was hyperfixated on finding one specific belt for my outfit, I decided to mess up my whole closet that I have previously spent weeks cleaning.
The signs were there, but I was too carried away to realise any better. Hell, as I am typing this, I am jamming to fast-paced songs while getting distracted and dancing in my chair.
Contrary to popular beliefs, hypomania is more than just “feeling happy”. Due to hypomania, I have a heightened energy, activity, productivity and self-esteem. I also tend to be (more) impulsive (than I already am). For sure, I have a grandiose and exaggerated sudden boost of confidence, no wonder I suddenly felt gorgeous and was obsessed with looking in the mirror today. Usually, I have low self-esteem and would look at my reflection with hate. Sometimes, I suffer from psychotic symptoms when my mood gets too elevated; that is when the bugs and aliens start coming to itch at my skin and tell me that I am the chosen prophecy. For now, as long as the bugs are not there, I should not worry too much. Also, the rapid speech and racing thoughts, let us not forget that, my thoughts race super fast and as a result, I also talk super fast that I start to stutter because my mouth is not up to speed with my thoughts.
My whole life, I have always known “happiness” to be equivalent to that feeling of (hypo)mania where my mood and energy are elevated, and I can do anything — with this state of mind, I feel invincible and unstoppable. I have no stop button. I can make one impulsive decision after another, and other people can try to stop me, but I will always find a way to get myself to do it. I can spend days without sleeping during (hypo)mania and still have a lot of energy to function during the day and do a lot of activities. It feels amazing. Why would you not want to have an exaggerated energy where you can do anything you want? I can spend ten hours studying and researching without getting tired or even polish my house till the last hint of dirt is gone without feeling fatigue.
If one experiences this state of mind, why would you otherwise not want to be in it forever? It is pleasurable and addictive.
However, I know that this is all an illusion.
What can be concerning about my bipolar episodes, such as my (hypo)mania and depression, is that they can last for a minimum of a week and can go on for months. This can feel dangerous because it feels like I will be in this state forever. For instance, when I am (hypo)manic, I do not want it to end, and it feels super amazing to the point where I would purposely trigger myself to get my mood more elevated and with depression, I have found comfort in it that it feels like a layer of warm yet painful blanket hugging me that sometimes I would also purposely make myself more depressed. Despite people thinking that bipolar mood swings fast within a day, from my personal experience, bipolar mood swings do not swing fast for sure.
Also, during my hangout with my friends, I realised that having constant thoughts of secret cults, such as the Illuminati watching every step you take, is not normal. Huh, who would have thought? I guess I know what to tell my therapist the next time I see her.
I do not know where I am going with this, I feel everything I have written is out of place. It is now almost midnight, I will try to sleep in a bit. Maybe I will succeed, maybe I will fail to sleep – I will find out sooner or later. Oh, I also need to pee.
I am rambling too much. This is the last sentence I am writing for today.