16 June 2025
Life has been different since I attempted to take my life three months ago.
My attempt to take my life led me to finding myself waking up in the ICU and being moved to the psych ward. I do not remember events prior to my suicide attempt, yet little did I know that there was an entity of demons creeping at the back of my brain, struggling to come out and be noticed.
It came as quite a shock to me when I realised I suffer from psychotic symptoms more than I thought I did; somehow, it all makes sense. The delusions, hallucinations and disorganised thinking I have suffered from most of my life have been repressed and normalised by me.
I have always thought it is normal to be in a constant state of suspicion and paranoia towards people. For instance, I have always been suspicious of my husband and convinced that he is a sex worker at the Red Light District, and despite his many attempts to convince me otherwise, my mind would not budge. Convinced that we are living in a simulation controlled by an organisation of aliens, I am constantly suspicious and paranoid of other people, that everyone in my life is in truth an actor being paid by the government to watch every one of my moves, that people can read my thoughts. They are being broadcast out in the world. I also have hallucinations of God and angels talking to me and telling me that I am the chosen prophecy and it is my calling to sacrifice myself. Other times, it would be aliens coming down to Earth to colonise the world, and I am the chosen one to save the world. Most times, it would be bugs crawling on my skin, communicating the violent things that these aliens want me to do.
During my mood episodes of mania or depression, these hallucinations and delusions would get extremely violent to the point that I would surrender to them and harm myself, sometimes even leading to suicide attempts. Perhaps that is why I did not remember my last suicide attempt, because I was in a psychotic episode when it happened.
Ever since my last suicide attempt, I promised to myself and everyone around me that I would stop self-harming and self-destructing. Yet, it is extremely challenging to do so because my mind is battling against me by bombarding me with these violent delusions and hallucinations, with voices telling me I should die and giving me violent instructions to end my life.
The more I resist and try not to harm myself, the more violent these delusions and hallucinations become. It would impact me greatly to the point that I am not functioning as well in daily life. Doing daily tasks has become difficult, and I am starting to get paranoid about leaving the house and keeping up with self-care has been a challenge. My mood and emotions have become flat, and I rarely show expressions of excitement because things that I once loved doing, such as painting, no longer bring me the same excitement.
I would say I am stable in terms of mood, but in terms of my psychotic symptoms, they have become far too violent that I cannot even keep up in social settings anymore. These psychotic symptoms are so unbearably violent that I would be paralysed for hours, unable to speak or move. I am an extrovert, yet, strangely, I am withdrawing socially, isolating myself. At times, I would not even comprehend what others are saying, my thoughts are disorganised, and I am too preoccupied with these violent delusions and hallucinations that I am unable to follow what others are saying.
My sense of reality and self are too disorganised, for I am losing myself to psychosis.
