A Collection of Dramatic (Manic-Depressive) Moments
(HYPO)MANIC EPISODES
Depressive episodes
- Love Yourself First Before Loving Others
- Another Dramatic Depressive Episode
- A Dramatically Depressive February
the states iN between
ABOUT NABILA AYU AVIANI
Despite being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I refuse to label myself as bipolar and instead, give this ‘thing’ a space to rest in my heart. Struggling with a chemical imbalance in my brain made me drawn to humanity’s imperfections, such as the raw and absurd moments we rarely articulate.
This site is my visual diary entries, they are
reflections of love, loss, nostalgia and closure.
PORTFOLIO
Another Dramatic Depressive Episode
For sure, my thoughts are parasites that are eating away at my brain.27 March 2025
I am starting to feel hopeless once again; for sure, the crash from mania is finally hitting me. Thoughts of death swarm over me, draining and exhausting me. For certain, I am not living, rather, I am surviving in my suffering. My shoulders and chest feel heavy and the world is more grey and dull. There is no doubt that feelings of emptiness consume my being. I am depleted of reason, and life feels meaningless.
Whilst I am aware that there is an end to this depression, I know there is not an end to this suffering. It is normal for me to feel chronic emptiness and thoughts of wanting death every day; as far as I remember, I grew up with these little demons. Whether I am in a manic episode with my skyrocketing energy and upbeat mood, in a depressive state of low motivation and energy or in between, I will always be haunted by feelings of death and emptiness. For me, life is meaningless and despite my attempts at trying to find a meaning for my life, I can never hold onto one concrete meaning, and everything tends to fall apart, steadily slipping away from my hands.
People tend to ask, “Why aren’t you happy in life? Don’t you want me to be happy?”
To which I reply, “If I had a choice to be happy or to suffer, do you think suffering would be my choice?”
If there were a magic pill to happiness, I would for sure take it.
What is happiness?
Now, I am starting to think that perhaps I have a deranged view of happiness. Perhaps for me, I view happiness as my manic episodes, where everything is amplified, my positive emotions are bursting out of my chest, my energy is divine and out of the world, and I’m unstoppable. In manic episodes, I can do anything I want, and there is no such thing as a stop button when I am manic.
Once again, how can you describe stability and happiness to me? It is such a strange concept—it is similar to how one can describe colours to a blind person? How can one describe stability and happiness to one who has never experienced it?
For sure, my thoughts are parasites that are eating away at my brain.
I am starting to feel hopeless once again; for sure, the crash from mania is finally hitting me. Thoughts of death swarm over me, draining and exhausting me. For certain, I am not living, rather, I am surviving in my suffering. My shoulders and chest feel heavy and the world is more grey and dull. There is no doubt that feelings of emptiness consume my being. I am depleted of reason, and life feels meaningless.
Whilst I am aware that there is an end to this depression, I know there is not an end to this suffering. It is normal for me to feel chronic emptiness and thoughts of wanting death every day; as far as I remember, I grew up with these little demons. Whether I am in a manic episode with my skyrocketing energy and upbeat mood, in a depressive state of low motivation and energy or in between, I will always be haunted by feelings of death and emptiness. For me, life is meaningless and despite my attempts at trying to find a meaning for my life, I can never hold onto one concrete meaning, and everything tends to fall apart, steadily slipping away from my hands.
People tend to ask, “Why aren’t you happy in life? Don’t you want me to be happy?”
To which I reply, “If I had a choice to be happy or to suffer, do you think suffering would be my choice?”
If there were a magic pill to happiness, I would for sure take it.
What is happiness?
Now, I am starting to think that perhaps I have a deranged view of happiness. Perhaps for me, I view happiness as my manic episodes, where everything is amplified, my positive emotions are bursting out of my chest, my energy is divine and out of the world, and I’m unstoppable. In manic episodes, I can do anything I want, and there is no such thing as a stop button when I am manic.
Once again, how can you describe stability and happiness to me? It is such a strange concept—it is similar to how one can describe colours to a blind person? How can one describe stability and happiness to one who has never experienced it?
For sure, my thoughts are parasites that are eating away at my brain.